|
WE USED TO BE SO HAPPY TOGETHER, WHAT HAPPENED TO US? By Annette Carpien Most couples start off with lots of chemistry between them, and a pretty high dose of delight that comes with cherishing each other, lots of affection and probably great ansd ample sex. What could possibly go wrong? The glorious romantic stage, which tends to last from 2 weeks to 2 years, is the experience of intense and exhilarating feelings when thinking about or being with your new lover. But that early romantic stage is experienced under the influence of the ‘love drugs’ dopamine, serotonin, and other hormones, that naturally arise within us when we have chemistry with someone, that produce that feeling of love. When we are in its throes, we truly believe that this exhilarating love experience will last forever, and life with this person will always be this wonderful. Predictably, though, the exaggerated levels of those hormones begin to peter out, leaving two people to see and experience each other through normal, day to day encounters, not through love-colored glasses. Many wonder, ‘what happened to the guy/gal that I was so in love with’, and ‘what happened to us’?’ Your relationship has entered the post-romantic stage, which soon opens the gates towards the power-struggle stage, experienced as me vs. you, rather than US. We begin to see each other’s flaws, and struggle to get our own needs met. When differences predictably arise, and one doesn’t feel heard, understood, validated or cared about, that person tends to be reactive and put a wall up, which causes the other to act out as well, and push the other away, in their unique ways. This ever-repeating pattern gets them exactly the opposite of what they want and need: to feel cherished and to build their sense of US. Learning what to do instead of reacting and pushing the other away is what happens in the relationship coaching I offer. The lesson, it seems to me, is to thoroughly delight in the romantic stage, but, counter-intuitively, not to make long term decisions such as planning a wedding, having babies together, or buying a house together, based on the feelings you have now. There is much more to learn and experience about each other to know if you are truly a match. And even with a great match, many relationship, finance, communication and conflict resolution skills will be needed if the relationship is to thrive. So whether you are 20 or 60, and feel you have found THE ONE, I suggest you balance head with heart, and find out in which areas you two are really on the same page regarding values, lifestyle, goals, vision for the future, finances, religion and spirituality, etc, and where you differ or even conflict. My 30-page Key Topics coaching program will help you ascertain whether the life you want is also, in many ways, the life your partner wants. And where differences exist, as they almost certainly will, you can learn whether you can successfully navigate those differences or whether deal-breakers and red flags reveal themselves. Being proactive to become wise and clear can prevent much unhappiness later on. The power-struggle stage is where all the hard work
of the relationship resides, and is actually the impetus for enormous
personal growth. The only way around the power struggle stage is
through it.
Annette
Carpien
|
