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Couples Question:
When helping begins to hurt...
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My wife is wonderful - caring, big heart, always wants to
help everyone and everything. Sometimes she gets too
focused on others to the exclusion of our own family needs
including my own.
Recently, a co-worker of hers lost his
wife to cancer. We, as a family, lived thru this, too,
because my wife introduced this situation into our lives --through talking about it constantly -- from the time her
co-worker's wife got sick and on and on until she passed away.
She has spent countless hours on the phone talking to her
co-worker, attending to his needs, helping him around his
home and helping him deal with this loss. While I understand
helping people in need, our own family and relationship are
being neglected.
I don't want to seem callous; however, her
involvement with him seems inappropriate. I've talked to her
about this, but have given up because she thinks I'm being selfish
because I don't share her same concern for this man and his issue.
This is troubling to me since she is neglecting her own family and our
relationship. What should I do? Her helping him is hurting us. Any thoughts?
Annette
responds:
It seems to me that to overlook your needs for someone else's, to the extent
that you feel your wife is doing, comes across as a form of infidelity,
whether there is any romance and sexual connection between them or not.
I'll discuss this further below, under Boundaries.
Most likely, your wife is getting a lot of validation, appreciation and
personal attention from her widowed co-worker. Have these been missing
for her in her marriage?
On the other hand, her pattern of revealing her enormously generous heart by
taking care of others might actually be revealing a clash of values between
you. If the culture in which she had been raised was oriented around
taking care of those in need, it might represent an integral part of who she
is, making it impossible for her to understand how you can't see the need of
her co-worker through the same eyes as she does.
Gridlock
Regardless of the reason for her prioritizing his needs over yours, your
marriage is stuck in an emotional gridlock that has left you both
disconnected emotionally from each other.
Blessing-in-disguise
It sounds to me that you care about her deeply, and you want your marriage
to survive, and hopefully to thrive, so your task at hand is really to win
her back; to have her come back to your marriage and family willingly, while
both of you get your needs met.
The blessing-in-disguise in this unhappy situation is the possibility and
opportunity for you both to reinvent your marriage with greater love, caring
and validation than before.
Getting out of gridlock
Gridlock of any type is propelled when one or both of
you are not getting your needs met, and your relationship is stalemated in a
power struggle, while blaming each other. Gridlock can be freed up when
one of you takes a step out of the power struggle and stretches
towards your partner, rather than away from your partner. This opens
the door towards some reconnection of love.
Step into her world
Since all of your efforts to convince your wife of the error of her ways
have not worked, and perhaps have driven a further wedge between you two,
stop doing it.
May I suggest a question for you to ponder and discover? Carry around
the question: "what would cause her to want to devote herself to me and to
our family?" Rather than using your logical mind to find the answer(s)
directly, just reflect on this or a related question, and let answers arise
from within you. You might gain insight into needs of hers that have
not been met at home, and guide you in new ways of relating to and loving
her.
For example, if you recognize that perhaps you had been taking her for
granted, not appreciating or validating her, that awareness can guide you in
a new way to treat her, that could make your home more fulfilling for her.
And, you might ask her open-ended, discovery-oriented questions that will
help you understand her needs, thoughts and feelings better. For
example, you might ask, "what has it been like for you, living at home with
me, for our many years together? Have you felt loved, valued and
appreciated? How could I be a better husband?
And further questions for her, such as 'how do you feel about yourself and
your life when you are taking care of him?"
Though you might be feeling like you have been running on an empty emotional
tank, your power to get your needs met might lie in first stepping into her
world. Listen carefully, because these might provide you with
important keys for your future together.
Revealing your boundaries
Barking up a different tree, it may be important for you to speak up for
yourself. You don't have the power -nor the right- to force her to
change her behavior. However, you do have both the power and the right
to speak up for what you are willing or not willing to tolerate. But
rather than giving ultimatums, you can offer options you are willing to
accept. And sandwich these between caring, loving sentiments.
So for example, you could say something like ,
"I really want to salvage and even enhance our marriage. You mean so
much to me, and to our family. I'm not willing to share you with
another man. I'd like to help you get your needs met in our our
marriage, and I'd like you to help meet some of my needs. I'm also
willing to listen to your concerns or feelings about stepping away from him.
Can we figure out, tonight, how we are going to do that?"
You might also work with a coach, alone or together to help you develop this
process of moving towards each other.
Best wishes! Annette Carpien
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