I've been dating the love of my life for three years and he's hinting at engagement at the holidays. Naturally I'm excited. I find myself dreaming about our wedding and spending the rest of our lives together. I don't have children, but he has 2 of them and, frankly, they're brats. We spend time with them every other weekend as well as at other non-scheduled times. I really don’t like these kids and the feeling is mutual.

My question is … do I allow them to stand in the way of my happiness or should I just be satisfied with the time I do have with my boyfriend when they’re not around? I love him and don’t want to lose him, yet at the same time, I know these kids aren’t going off to college any time soon. I’ve talked to him a little bit about this, but I’m careful because these are his kids and of course they always come first. He says they’ll grow out of it and I have nothing to worry about. What should I do? Is our married future in jeopardy? I’m just not happy being unhappy around his kids. Any thoughts on what to do, or do I need to move on?

Cindy from Chicago

Annette's response:

Since his children are part of the package, you either need to make peace with their presence and with them, or get out.  Step-parenting, under the best of circumstances is hugely challenging, and many, many step-parenting marriages don’t survive.  I suggest you read up thoroughly on blended families before moving forward.

His children have lived through their parents’ divorce and all the raw emotions that came before it, as well as its aftermath, shuttling between 2 homes and schedules and all its impact on their lives, plus many other confusing emotions. 

And on top of that, they have to deal with you, both as a rival for their dad’s love and attention and in a scenario where they are resented, and judged, as if it were fact rather than your opinion, that they are brats.   

They would probably behave and treat you better if you showed them empathy and caring rather than wishing they would just disappear. 

What if your boyfriend (wisely, I think) said he could only marry you if you found a way to love and respect his children, and they developed a fondness for you?  Would you find a way? 

Your willingness to find a way for this to happen (and not just say you will 'try') or your lack of willingness should provide your answer about staying or leaving the relationship.

Don't have a clue how to improve the dynamics among the 3 or 4 of you?  That, at this point, is not the problem.  Working with a coach or other professional could help you a lot.  The 'how to' is Step 2; Step 1 is determining your willingness.

But the process of trying to create an emotionally healthy, even - dare I say it- loving family life is not for cowards or for those whose head is in fantasy land, dreaming about the wedding.  It really takes a woman of character, and a father of character who would not tolerate anything less for his children.