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Couples
Question: Moving Away – and possibly from our marriage
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I’m work for a large multinational. My husband lost his
job on Wall Street about two years ago and hasn’t been
able to find work since. It hasn’t been easy for us
–personally or financially. Recently, I was offered a
position in San Francisco. My position in NYC is being
eliminated, and the new position offers much more
compensation which means we wouldn’t be challenged
financially. However, my husband doesn’t want to move.
His children (from a prior marriage) are here. He’s
still hopeful the employment situation will turn around.
This is a challenging situation. He’s even mentioned
that maybe we’ve just come to an impasse – that perhaps
we need to consider going our separate ways. We’ve had
relationship issues over the years and things have
become more challenging because I’m the sole breadwinner
and he’s not feeling the best about himself or future
career prospects. If we don’t leave, I’ll be out of a
job – then we’ll both be unemployed. On the other hand,
I don’t want to move to California by myself – without
my husband! We can’t afford to maintain 2 homes. Divorce
seems extreme and I don’t think he really wants that and
I certainly don’t. We do love each other. This is a
trying and confusing time. Any advice on how we can make
this situation work for us?
Laura from NYC
You
have been offered an excellent job and salary in SF. As
a way of buying time to figure out the best long term
solution, what benefits could there be, for the next 6
months or a year or two for maintaining a long distance
marriage, as some couples must do?
If you were to rent
in SF, how often could he fly to see you, and spend
extended time with you? Could this actually be a
blessing in disguise? What valuable personal and
marriage insights might you gain that could help you
work out your relationship issues? If it somehow worked
out perfectly, for a limited time frame, what would that
look like? What promises and guidelines for your
marriage would help protect it during your absence?
Rather than an impasse, perhaps you could develop
stronger communication when apart from each other and
new ways of relating that could benefit your marriage
over the long term, including missing and appreciating each other even more
than you do now.
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