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What
a squirrel taught me about love
My annoyance at having to repair or throw away an otherwise well-built and attractive bird feeder is trivial compared to the turmoil of a couple I know who are pondering whether to repair or throw away their marriage after her quicky affair. I wondered how much foresight of consequences or remorse she experienced, or conversely, if her need for short-term gratification was a response to long-term emotional or sexual deprivation. Rather than sitting in judgment of her or of their relationship, instead I pondered why they didn’t seek help long ago for what was missing in their marriage? A well-known statistic is that couples typically suffer with a particular problem for 7 years before they seek help. Can you imagine suffering with a toothache for that long or not getting the engine in your car fixed for that long? When do you start paying attention to an unmet need or to an unresolved issue? The earlier on you pay attention, when there is still much good will and positivity in the relationship, the better outcome you are likely to get. But anytime sooner is better than later. I remember back to when my husband, Todd, and I were arguing a lot about politics, just before the US invasion of Iraq began. Then we started arguing about whether our solution was to just avoid talking politics (unlikely!) or to learn to respect each other’s perspective. After a few weeks of this volatility between us, I insisted that we attend a couple’s retreat to help us reframe our disagreements, be willing to see the strength in the other's point of view, de-escalate the intensity, and even add in some humor. Those were my hopes. How I got him to agree to a marriage retreat, and a spiritually-oriented one at that, is a juicy story in itself, to be told in another article. But had he not (though very reluctantly) agreed to go away with me for a retreat weekend - or to some other mutually agreeable alternative, I would have attended a program myself or worked with a coach myself, even though I really felt that he was the one mostly at fault and being the jerk! I know I played some role in our arguments, (including being self-righteous) and to help empower me to bring about the outcomes I wanted. Our retreat at the Kripalu Yoga Center, up in the beautiful Berkshire Mountains was delicious, and did restore good will and a loving attitude between us. Todd even thanked me for believing so much in him and in our marriage. Seven years later, we still have in place now much more goodwill, plus political jokes to help us de-escalate, ways of reminding us (him, really ;) ) to listen rather than shout me down, and other rituals and tricks up our sleeve. Our political disagreements are about 60% better now, good enough that sex doesn't suffer anymore! But had we fought about this for 7 years, rather than for 2 months, we would have had to first tear down years of resentment, anger and bitterness before we could even get to the issue at hand!
There are many resources to help a couple reconnect in a more loving way: marriage education programs, couples retreats, marriage therapy, as well as couples or individual coaching. (I might be able to help you find the right resource for you). If your partner is not willing or able to attend, don’t be discouraged. Even if just you learn how to bring a new energy or more goodwill or a new skill or way of responding rather than reacting, YOU can have a big impact. YOU have more power to cause positive change than you might realize. (This is what my upcoming book highlights!). Don’t "squirrel away" resentment or “wing it” in matters of love. Be proactive, when you can. Then your ‘birdfeeder of love’ will always be stocked!
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My bird feeder hosts the fattest squirrel in the
neighborhood. I enjoy watching him feast, as long as he lets "my"
finches, cardinals and nuthatches get their turn at the black sunflower
seeds as well. While I was away for almost a week, my emptied feeder
was oddly ransacked and somewhat demolished, presumably by my resident
squirrel, trying to get at the seeds at the base of the tube that are
normally just out of reach.. 
