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The Disrespect
Tango
How do you respond? How do you respond to being ignored or blown off? When I asked this question to several couples who were in the midst of this pattern, they said that it seemed to bring out the worst in them, and they became equally disrespectful by fuming, yelling, giving the cold shoulder, getting revenge, putting up emotional walls, or giving up and feeling like a doormat, with all of its subtle but real repercussions. Emotion-fueled responses: what outcomes? When I asked whether their reactions to negative behavior
produced positive results in terms of the tasks getting done, or improved their
relationships, NO was the universal response, and yet that “disrespect tango”
dance repeated for years, became entrenched and got progressively worse. Not
one person or couple felt empowered by this pattern of responding to disrespect
with corresponding disrespect, but had no idea how to stop it or get better
results. As kids, most of us heard “two wrongs don’t make a right”, but we
never really learned how to “make a right”.
The ‘3 tries’ test: As a general rule, if some behavior on your part does not get good results 3 times, stop doing it, and seek some other path. But what can one do instead? In this case, it seems as if we only have two choices: be a doormat (let others walk all over us) or react (badly). Where to focus: Before we examine alternatives, I want to point out that I’m not only focusing here on how get ‘the jerk (or jerkette)’ to finally do what you want him/her to do, but our role as well.
Instead we focus on ourselves, what we can do differently, and perhaps how to use our power of positive influence to create a culture of mutual respect, which is likely to reap rewards of positive, responsive behavior without power struggles or frustration. My Power Tools: I just looked into my personal Power Tool Chest, and pulled out some of my favorite resources to reframe and address the problem(s) mentioned here. I use them regularly, and just want to give you a peek into what has worked well for me –and us--in our 38 year marriage. So these are “kitchen and bedroom tested”, and have helped numerous clients in their marriages and relationships. Some of these “tools” can ‘clear the air’ in your home, removing the toxins of disrespect, frustration, need for nagging, etc, and others are like hammers and screwdrivers, in that they drill into our partner's experience regarding a problematic issue- and regarding the dynamics of interacting with us, especially when we are frustrated, nagging, etc. A few of my most useful tools are:
In relationship coaching and marriage education, we put the focus on the dynamics of how to bond in emotionally healthy ways that get the positive outcomes you want. If I can help you develop and use your own Relationship Tool Chest, please call me at 610-428-2755 or email me at annette@greatrelationshipscoaching.com. Warmly, Annette Carpien
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Scenario: You ask your spouse (or sibling, teen,
coworker) to do a task or you temporarily need his or her attention, only to
feel ignored or pandered to or you get backtalk or an argument. And most
likely, this is not the first occurrence, but an oft-repeated pattern.
Understandably, you feel frustrated, disrespected and perhaps angry. Sometimes
you might feel like screaming or wringing someone’s neck!
The reason for that is that in healthy, conscious
relationships, we don’t force, control, cajole, or manipulate others to behave
the way we want them to. (Besides, it doesn’t work anyway, and just fuels
endless power struggles!). 
