In any relationship, there is a small or significant emotional bank account that exists in the “emotional space” between two people, as well as within a family or group.  More than just “me” and “you”, a third entity exists in a relationship that needs to be nurtured and filled.  In a marriage, this is what I like to call ‘The Sacred WE” or the “Love Bank Account”.

Wherever there is a sense of “us”, “our friendship”, “our marriage”, “our family”, “our community”, this emotional bank account exists.  On the other hand, if the relationship is all about me vs you, it seems to me that it’s a “pay as you go” relationship: deposits and withdrawals continually counter out each other.  There could be, and hopefully there are many positives in the relationship (such as good sex and companionship, help with chores and fix-it projects), but more negative experiences (such as blaming or shaming, broken promises or expectations, taking the other for granted) that leaves one or both of them feeling primarily hurt or empty.

Every relationship has deposits and withdrawals.  There is no getting around them; as humans we are both marvelous and jerks; we do so much to contribute to our relationships, and we blow it again and again.  The trick and skill, it seems to me is to turn the withdrawals into deposits.  I will write more about this in future blogs.

This “Love Bank Account” paradigm came to mind recently during my husband’s birthday.  We don’t generally give each other cards or gifts, not because we take each other for granted, but rather because the amount of hugging, kissing and stroking we do on the other 364 days is better than most other gifts we could buy.

But on the evening at the end of Todd’s birthday a few weeks ago, I felt really disappointed in myself that I had neglected his birthday.  So, I suggested that we “extend” his birthday another day.  After he went to sleep, I stayed up and wrote him a “letter”: It was titled: “For your 59^th Birthday: 20 Reasons I Love You”. I listed 20 specific things I noticed, admired, loved or appreciated about him.  I printed it out on special paper, rolled it up and tied it with pretty string, and gave it to him the next morning.

As he read it, I could see that each and every item on the list was something for which he felt really acknowledged.  It meant a lot to me to write it and then give it to him as well.  My gift cost $0, took me about 45 minutes, and made a deposit of about $1 million into our Love Bank account.

As a side note, Todd was the first to give me a “20 Reasons I Love you” letter several years ago; it was his own idea.  He got about a million brownie points with me for that.  In future blogs, I will write about how we moved from lots of discontent and complaints about each other, to delicious connection, regularly!